Scientists Create Artificial Arseholes

Not sure I want my first science entry to be about artificial arseholes, but the need for practice “greens” for my new game show seems an appropriate segue.

New Scientist reports the world’s first artificial sphincter, made with human cells, but so far only implanted in mice. They initially tested if it would grow by implanting one onto a mouse’s back.

I don’t know if I’d like another arsehole in the middle of my back. However, I can think of plenty of people who deserve one sewn into their mouth.

I like the quote: "We can custom-make them the size and diameter we want". I’m saving up to buy a huge one and plant it right in the middle of the school oval where the famous Fairfield Phalluses were drawn.

I liked that they tested their lab built sphincters with “electric shocks and chemicals”, to make sure that they “contract and relax like normal sphincters”. Because I always wire mine up to a battery to make it behave normally. Although, perhaps testing it out with a few drops of amyl nitrate has some practical value.

Surely more practical test conditions would have elicited more useful data. Sew one into Roxxxy the Sex Robot and give her a solid reaming. Instead of using electric shocks to see if the arseholes "contract and relax like normal", I’m sure Bob Brown, Christopher Pyne and other "professionals" would volunteer to give them a couple of licks to see if they react properly.

Apparently Alan Jones has ordered one gross of the arseholes to enjoy in the privacy of his well appointed closet. Seems an appropriate unit of measure: a gross of arseholes. Jonesy just goes through them like lollies. Tears through them like a puppy with a new toy.

The name of the scientist who engineered them gives us a clue as to the master plan hidden behind their development: Khalil Bitar. That’s right: it’s Karl Bitar, former ALP national secretary. I always suspected the name “Karl” was an Anglicism.

So now we know what he’s been up to these past months: cloning himself for a new round of branch stacking to take over the ALP.