Thass Yo Ass!

I was recently watching a scene from Blacks On Blondes in which two well endowed coloured gentlemen were giving a correspondingly well endowed, but not terribly bright blonde lass a double bunger.

The one who was poking her up the bum pulled out, went around and stuck it in her mouth. As she looked up at him, with his dick in her mouth, he said: "Thass yo ass … Thass YO ass!" She just nodded in agreement.

After I stopped laughing, I thought: what a great name for a TV game show. Here’s how it would work:

There is a centre stage, raised three to four feet above the ground, but covered in a curtain so no-one can see what’s underneath. In the stage are cut six circular holes, each about one standard bum width in diameter. Six people stick their bums up, one through each hole, so that the bum surfaces are approximately flush with the stage.

A contestant has to putt a golf ball into each of the six bums. The balls are then placed in egg cups and the bum owners lined up in random order at the opposite end of the stage.

The contestant then has to match each golf ball to its correct bum. They take each ball, sniff or lick it and then yell, along with the crowd: "Thass … YO ass!", pointing and tossing the golf ball to their chosen bum owner.

Prizes would work like the final showcase on The Price Is Right. As each bum owner is guessed correctly, another prize lights up on the list. The prize for getting all six right could be a car, with four brown eye chucking arses for hubcaps.

To make the game harder and more fun, you could have the stage set up like putt-putt golf, maybe with a rotating windmill which could knock the ball into a different arse. Or the contestant might have to putt the ball up a ramp into a laughing clown’s mouth, which would then deposit the ball into a random arse.

Of course, the bums would have to be clamped open somehow so the putts would not "rim out", but that is a simple, logistical matter. The best method would probably be for the host to shout: "Ready … all bums … brown eye!" before the contestant putts.

So, who would be the bums? People who wanted to be on TV while earning a hundred bucks and a petrol or grog voucher. Out of work actors, uni students, suspended footballers, people sentenced to community service. Each set of six would need to have fairly similar physical characteristics to ensure the only senses used in the ball allocation were smell, taste and ESP. But you could have a set of six middle aged, white guys, followed by a set of six young, black guys, followed by a set of six Asian girls. Just to make it interesting, you could throw a set of trannies in once in a while.

I imagine a very popular spin off would be Celebrity Charity Thass Yo Ass, where a celebrity putted the balls into the arses of six other celebrities, with each correct guess earning progressively higher donations to their favoured charity.

Of course, you’d have to choose the celebrities carefully. If you made Alan Jones one of the arses, the ball would just fall in and you’d never get it back. If Bob Brown was doing the putting, he might just take the ball out of the egg cup, give it a couple of licks and put it in his pocket for later.

The Weakest Link, The Million Dollar Drop, Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader, Celebrity Big Brother … these shows are rubbish.

Celebrity Thass Yo Ass … now that's a TV show worth watching!