Are Cryptic Crosswords For Wankers?

For younger people, cryptic crosswords improve their vocabulary and grasp of the structure and origins of their language. For older people, the language processing is very important for relational memory, particularly as the often more obscure associations require the activation and reforming of long range connections within the memory areas of the brain. Only a small proportion of connections in a network need to be long range for it to significantly increase performance. Conversely, networks with only short range connections tend to process information slowly and perform representation, decision and comparison tasks poorly.

Associative reasoning and memory tasks have been shown to aid neuroplasticity and delay or ameliorate symptoms in the early stages of Alzheimer’s disease.

So, there are good reasons for doing cryptic crosswords and many people do them for the intellectual and mental exercise. However, they do tend to attract their fair share of intellectual onanists and wannabes.

The clues can often have a twee sophistry which can provoke a bashing in the wrong environment: obscure literary or classical references, sometimes coupled with poncy puns. Here are a couple. The answers are at the bottom of the page:

Nice pain (6,5) ¹

Fury over a painting with eggs (7) ²

There are people for whom solving such clues engenders a smug satisfaction; the kind of people who laugh just a little too long and loudly at an obscure joke or cultural reference at the theatre: “Ha! Ha! I understood that, you know!”

Slightly higher than average IQs, but no real intellectual horsepower. The kinds of people who learn lots of facts to pretend to themselves and others they are more intelligent than they actually are, but can’t solve complex problems and can't distinguish nuance from casuistry in complex arguments. Guardian readers.

It doesn’t follow that everyone who does cryptic crosswords is at least a bit like this, but it can tar you with that brush if someone who doesn’t do the cryptic and has only a passing interest in genuine intellectual pursuits asks you how to solve the clues. There is often that brief, awkward silence after you have explained a few answers, where you can almost feel the other person thinking: “You actually choose to spend time doing this? I didn’t realize you were a bit of a knob end.”

Even if some of the clues are a bit wanky, the cryptic is relaxing to do while you’re on the train or eating your lunch. It’s a sufficiently different task from one’s paid work to clear the mind. If you get the whole crossword out, you do feel some small satisfaction.

Being able to solve a cryptic crossword is evidence of higher than average intelligence. Just don’t feel smug about it. It doesn’t mean any of your political opinions are correct.

Here are some clues. Make up your own mind whether they are a worthwhile exercise in associative thought and relational memory training which outweighs their tweeness. I’ll put the answers at the bottom of the blog.

Lowers temperature repeatedly in cold beer (6) ³

Chance for pawn to steal talent (11) ⁴

Beat up for sport (4) ⁵

If these aren’t to your taste and you’re more into physical activity for “relaxation”, there’s always the Tug Toner.

¹ French bread: pain is French for bread, Nice is a French city. I can imagine a few smug self-congratulations for that one.

² Tempera: fury = temper, over “a”. I didn’t know tempera was a painting with eggs until I searched for words which fit with the letters I already had. Some Guardian readers who got that one didn’t even have to smell their own farts to feel superior.

³ Cattle: C = cold (as on the tap), beer = ale, so “tt” inside Cale. Lowers = cattle because that's the sound they make. I kind of like this one.

⁴ Probability: p = pawn (as in chess notation) + rob = steal + ability = talent. It’s not so hard if you already have a few letters from the cross clues. You work out the word and then know it’s right because you can justify it with the clue.

⁵ Golf: beat = flog, then turn up = golf. Hard unless you have cross clues, but you feel good getting it if you only have a few to go.